Looking for a little bit of laughter in the bedroom? Check out these 50 funny sexual quotes!
From classic one-liners to contemporary puns, these quotes are sure to make you and your partner laugh. Whether you’re looking for something naughty or nice, these quotes will help lighten the mood while still expressing your feelings of love and desire. So get ready to have some fun in the bedroom with these 50 funny sexual quotes!
Funny Sexual Quotes
- “Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.” – Suze Orman
- “In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” – Nora Ephron
- “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” – Groucho Marx
- “Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.” – Lisa Lampanelli
- “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton
- “I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.” – Groucho Marx
- “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers
- “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal
- “I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.” – Betty Friedan
- “Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” – Helen Gurley Brown
- “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx
- “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe
- “Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.” – Dave Attel
- “My heart’s in the right place. I know cuz I hid it there.” – Carrie Fisher
- “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” – Woody Allen
- “Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.” – Angela Lambert
- “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” – Dorothy Parker
- “The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.” – Joan Rivers
- “Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” – Charles Bukowski
- “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns
- “Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” – John Callahan
- “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers
- “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen
- “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.” – Woody Allen
- “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
- “It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.” – Brigitte Bardot
- “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone
- “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
- “Once I didn’t talk to my wife for six months,” said the comedian. “I didn’t want to interrupt.
- “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler
- “You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.” – Tina Fey
- “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler
- “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he is not very bright.” – Lucille Ball
- “The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” – Truman Capote
- “What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” – Mike Birbiglia
- “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
- “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
- “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen
- “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” – Lily Tomlin
- “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
- “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Mae West
- “Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
- “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she’s a tramp.” – Joan Rivers
- “If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
- “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.” – Woody Allen
- “Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.” – Mike Birbiglia
- “God gave me both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams
- “My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar” – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.” – Bob Hope
- “So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.'” – Sarah Silverman
Wrapping Up
These quotes about sex will make you laugh, reflect, and hopefully be more confident in your own sexuality. From Rachel Green to Mae West, these funny and insightful quips provide a unique perspective on the beauty of sex. So go ahead – indulge yourself and have some fun!
At the end of the day, sex can be a funny and beautiful thing – it’s all about what you make of it. Let these quotes help guide you on your journey to better understanding and appreciating your own sexuality. Enjoy!
