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    50 Funny Sexual Quotes to Get You Laughing in Bed

    Audrey BakerBy Audrey BakerJanuary 29, 2023No Comments5 Mins Read Funny Sexual Quotes
    Funny Sexual Quotes
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    Looking for a little bit of laughter in the bedroom? Check out these 50 funny sexual quotes!

    From classic one-liners to contemporary puns, these quotes are sure to make you and your partner laugh. Whether you’re looking for something naughty or nice, these quotes will help lighten the mood while still expressing your feelings of love and desire. So get ready to have some fun in the bedroom with these 50 funny sexual quotes!

    Funny Sexual Quotes

    1. “Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.” – Suze Orman
    2. “In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” – Nora Ephron
    3. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” – Groucho Marx
    4. “Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.” – Lisa Lampanelli
    5. “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton
    6. “I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.” – Groucho Marx
    7. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers
    8. “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal
    9. “I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
    10. “No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.” – Betty Friedan
    11. “Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” – Helen Gurley Brown
    12. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx
    13. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe
    14. “Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.” – Dave Attel
    15. “My heart’s in the right place. I know cuz I hid it there.” – Carrie Fisher
    16. “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” – Woody Allen
    17. “Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.” – Angela Lambert
    18. “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” – Dorothy Parker
    19. “The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.” – Joan Rivers
    20. “Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” – Charles Bukowski
    21. “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns
    22. “Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” – John Callahan
    23. “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers
    24. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen
    25. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.” – Woody Allen
    26. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
    27. “It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.” – Brigitte Bardot
    28. “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone
    29. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
    30. “Once I didn’t talk to my wife for six months,” said the comedian. “I didn’t want to interrupt.
    31. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler
    32. “You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to f**k it.” – Tina Fey
    33. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler
    34. “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he is not very bright.” – Lucille Ball
    35. “The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” – Truman Capote
    36. “What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” – Mike Birbiglia
    37. “If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” – Bette Midler
    38. “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
    39. “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen
    40. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” – Lily Tomlin
    41. “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
    42. “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Mae West
    43. “Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
    44. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she’s a tramp.” – Joan Rivers
    45. “If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
    46. “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.” – Woody Allen
    47. “Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good. When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.” – Mike Birbiglia
    48. “God gave me both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams
    49. “My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar” – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.” – Bob Hope
    50. “So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.'” – Sarah Silverman
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    Wrapping Up

    These quotes about sex will make you laugh, reflect, and hopefully be more confident in your own sexuality. From Rachel Green to Mae West, these funny and insightful quips provide a unique perspective on the beauty of sex. So go ahead – indulge yourself and have some fun!

    At the end of the day, sex can be a funny and beautiful thing – it’s all about what you make of it. Let these quotes help guide you on your journey to better understanding and appreciating your own sexuality. Enjoy!

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    Audrey Baker

      I’m Audrey, a writer at heart that loves collecting quotes about life, love and everything in between. I strive to find creative and unique quotes that offer great value. I enjoy finding new ways to use these quotes and sharing these creations with others. Thanks for stopping by!

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      I’m Audrey, a writer at heart that loves collecting quotes about life, love and everything in between. I strive to find creative and unique quotes that offer great value. I enjoy finding new ways to use these quotes and sharing these creations with others. Thanks for stopping by!

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