130 Ron Swanson Quotes That Will Change the Way You View Life

If you’re like most people, you love the character of Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation. He is a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. He’s also incredibly wise, with a wealth of knowledge about life, work, and relationships. In this blog post, we will share 130 quotes from Ron Swanson that will change the way you view life!

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Ron Swanson Quotes

1. “I regret nothing. The end.” – Ron Swanson
2. “Turkey can never beat cow.” – Ron Swanson
3. “You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’” – Ron Swanson
4. “There is only one bad word: taxes.” – Ron Swanson
5. “Friends: one to three is sufficient.” – Ron Swanson
6. “If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.” – Ron Swanson
7. “OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!” – Ron Swanson
8. ”If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.” – Ron Swanson
9. “Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree?” – Ron Swanson
10. “Breakfast food can serve many purposes.” – Ron Swanson
11. “Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?” – Ron Swanson
12. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” – Ron Swanson
13. Busy? Impossible. I work for the government. – Ron Swanson
14. “I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.” – Ron Swanson
15. “I’m not interested in caring about people.” – Ron Swanson
16. “I was born ready. I’m Ron ******* Swanson.” – Ron Swanson
17. “Child labor laws are ruining this country.” – Ron Swanson
18. Busy? Impossible. I work for the government.” – Ron Swanson
19. “Never half-*** two things. Whole-*** one thing.” – Ron Swanson
20. “I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.” – Ron Swanson
21. “I’ll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.” – Ron Swanson
22. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.” – Ron Swanson
23. [Describing his sexual history] “Epic. and Private.” – Ron Swanson
24. “Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.” – Ron Swanson
25. “Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.” – Ron Swanson
26. “Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.” – Ron Swanson
27. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.” – Ron Swanson
28. “Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.” – Ron Swanson
29. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.” – Ron Swanson
30. “Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?” – Ron Swanson
31. “Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.” – Ron Swanson
32. “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.” – Ron Swanson
33. “Hey Mark. This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy’s better looking sister.” – Ron Swanson
34. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.” – Ron Swanson
35. There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food. – Ron Swanson
36. “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.” – Ron Swanson
37. “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block with words from coming out.” – Ron Swanson
38. “Passing the Buck. The last refuge of the cowardly and Blackhearted.” – Ron Swanson
39. “What religion am I? Well I am practicing none of your **** business.” – Ron Swanson
40. “Haha, “Euro-trash,” I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.” – Ron Swanson
41. ”Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.” – Ron Swanson
42. “There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.” – Ron Swanson
43. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
44. There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.” – Ron Swanson
45. [Describing his allergies] “Cowardice and Weak Willed Men… and Hazelnuts” – Ron Swanson
46. “This is not government work, as such I treat it with care and attention.” – Ron Swanson
47. “There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.” – Ron Swanson
48. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.” – Ron Swanson
49. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to **** something.” – Ron Swanson
50. “I love Food and Stuff. It’s where I buy all my food… and most of my stuff.” – Ron Swanson
51. “Another word for ‘jokes’ is ‘lies’. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.” – Ron Swanson
52. “Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.” – Ron Swanson
53. “I can’t think of anything more noble to go to war over, than bacon and eggs.” – Ron Swanson
54. [After being asked if he wants a salad] “Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.” – Ron Swanson
55. “I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 mins.” – Ron Swanson
56. “My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.” – Ron Swanson
57. “So you talked to Tammy? What’s it like to stare into the eye of *****’s butthole?” – Ron Swanson
58. “Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.” – Ron Swanson
59. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.” – Ron Swanson
60. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.” – Ron Swanson
61. “I prefer quality over flash – that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.” – Ron Swanson
62. ”Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.” – Ron Swanson
63. “Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.” – Ron Swanson
64. “I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife.” – Ron Swanson
65. “One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” – Ron Swanson
66. “Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.” – Ron Swanson
67. “Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.” – Ron Swanson
68. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.” – Ron Swanson
69. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.” – Ron Swanson
70. The only thing that’s important at the end of the day is what’s on your gravestone — your name. – Ron Swanson
71. ”This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package.” – Ron Swanson
72. “Say what you want about organized religion, but those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.” – Ron Swanson
73. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, children are terrible artists. And artists are crooks.” – Ron Swanson
74. Leslie: “Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?” Ron: “People are idiots, Leslie.” – Ron Swanson
75. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.” – Ron Swanson
76. ”In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.” – Ron Swanson
77. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.” – Ron Swanson
78. “Under my tutelage you will grow from boys to men, from men into gladiators, from gladiators into Swansons.” – Ron Swanson
79. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.” – Ron Swanson
80. “Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.” – Ron Swanson
81. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can just go outside and stand in it. – Ron Swanson
82. “Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.” – Ron Swanson
83. ”My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara… she goes by Tammy.” – Ron Swanson
84. “America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.” – Ron Swanson
85. [On bowling]” Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.” – Ron Swanson
86. We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech. – Ron Swanson
87. “When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!” – Ron Swanson
88. ”We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech.” – Ron Swanson
89. Ann Perkins: “You’re stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you?” Ron Swanson: “Silence.” – Ron Swanson
90. It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. – Ron Swanson
91. “I assumed this was obvious but in the future, I’d prefer not to be part of any conversation about which body oil is best.” – Ron Swanson
92. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.” – Ron Swanson
93. “I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.” – Ron Swanson
94. Ron: “And I’ll have the number eight.” Server: “That’s a party platter, it serves twelve people.” Ron: “I know what I’m about son.” – Ron Swanson
95. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.” – Ron Swanson
96. “My name is Ron Swanson. I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about the miserable screwed up world of local government.” – Ron Swanson
97. [Describes his bowling technique] “Straight down the middle. No hook. No spin. No fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.” – Ron Swanson
98. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.” – Ron Swanson
99. [Ron gives a gift to Chris] “The crib I built, I’m giving to you and Ann. It’s perfectly safe. I tested it by hitting it with my truck.” – Ron Swanson
100. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to **** one last time.” – Ron Swanson
101. “Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That’s why my favorite book is Moby ****. No frufu symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal.” – Ron Swanson
102. “I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.’s Diner. Home of the world’s best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.” – Ron Swanson
103. “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight real from the WNBA.” – Ron Swanson
104. “Gentlemen, wilderness weekend is upon us. There will be no video games, there will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents, me and mother nature.” – Ron Swanson
105. “On nights like this when the cold winds blow, the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dream, come with me and find safe haven in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.” – Ron Swanson
106. “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.” – Ron Swanson
107. “I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.” – Ron Swanson
108. “Listen, I’ve eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won’t affect the only part of my job that I like.” – Ron Swanson
109. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?” – Ron Swanson
110. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.” – Ron Swanson
111. “There will be no froof-y desserts. There will be no giant soap bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no f#^%ing vegetables.” – Ron Swanson
112. I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee. – Ron Swanson
113. Ben Wyatt: “You know, you are a wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you, but you are a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.” Ron: “Thank you friend, that really means a lot to me.” – Ron Swanson
114. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.” – Ron Swanson
115. I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.” – Ron Swanson
116. “I’ve created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel…” – Ron Swanson
117. I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.” – Ron Swanson
118. “No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.” – Ron Swanson
119. “I have a hernia. I’ve had it for a while, and I’ve been ignoring it successfully. But uh, this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don’t move my head or torso, I’m good. I got this.” – Ron Swanson
120. “There’s a new wind blowing in government, and I don’t like it. All of a sudden there’s all this federal money coming in, and Paul the City Manager is telling us to build parks. Start new community programs. It’s horrifying.” – Ron Swanson
121. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” – Ron Swanson
122. “Leslie, I got married twice, both times I was a lot older than those two, and both marriages ended in divorce and a burning effigy. Whose to say what works? You find somebody you like and you roll the dice. That’s all anybody can do.” – Ron Swanson
123. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.” – Ron Swanson
124. “I have accrued two hundred and twenty five personal days starting right now I’m using all of them. While I’m gone your in charge. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.” – Ron Swanson
125. “I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins. There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.” – Ron Swanson
126. “Leslie, my first wife Tammy, tried throwing me a surprise birthday party. When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, and told ’em people had broken into my home. I’m not big on surprises.” – Ron Swanson
127. “The only reason anyone is going to this thing is because they’re afraid of what Marlene will do to them if they don’t. That women is tough. In 1994 I gave her a nickname, it’s unrepeatable, but it stuck. It’s my proudest accomplishment. It’s the iron c*ck shredder of Pawnee.” – Ron Swanson
128. “My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.” – Ron Swanson
129. “Well I’ve never been one for meeting new people, or doing new things, or eating new types of food, or traveling outside of southern Indiana. I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.” – Ron Swanson
130. “Welcome to ‘Visions of Nature.’ This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.” – Ron Swanson

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Wrapping Up

Ron Swanson, played by Nick Offerman, is one of the most iconic characters in television history. He has a memorable set of quotes that have become part of popular culture. His wit and wisdom provide a unique perspective on life and government that continues to inspire fans all over the world. Whether we agree or disagree with him, his words are often wise and full of insight.

No doubt, Ron Swanson will remain an unforgettable character for years to come. From his passion for breakfast food to his love of the outdoors, he has been a source of joy and entertainment that cannot be replaced. No matter what the future holds, Ron Swanson will always remain in our hearts as one of television’s most beloved characters. We hope you have enjoyed reading through some of Ron Swanson’s best quotes!