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    Home»New Girl Quotes

    118 New Girl Quotes That Prove the Show Is a Modern Classic

    Audrey BakerBy Audrey BakerJanuary 20, 2023No Comments11 Mins Read New Girl Quotes
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    If you’re a fan of New Girl, then you know that the show is full of hilarious quotes. In fact, there are so many great quotes from the show that we decided to put together a list of 118 of our favorites! Whether you’re a fan of Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston, or Cece, there’s something for everyone in this list. So without further ado, here are our favorite New Girl quotes!

    About New Girl

    New Girl is an American television sitcom that aired on Fox from 2011 to 2018. The show was created by Elizabeth Meriwether and follows the lives of a group of friends living in Los Angeles, with the main focus on Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), a quirky, offbeat young woman who moves in with three single men after her boyfriend breaks up with her.

    These three single guys: Nick, a law school dropout and bartender; Schmidt, a professional and womanizer; and Winston, an aspiring professional basketball player who has just returned from playing overseas. They all help Jess navigate her new life in the city, while she helps them with their own personal and professional issues.

    Throughout the series, the characters deal with a variety of comedic situations, such as dating, career struggles, and personal growth. Jess and Nick, in particular, develop a close friendship that eventually turns into a romantic relationship. Schmidt and Cece, one of Jess’ best friends, also have a complicated on-and-off again relationship. Winston, meanwhile, goes through a series of comedic misadventures, often involving his love life and his attempts to make it as a professional athlete.

    The show was well-received by critics and audiences alike, and ran for seven seasons before ending in 2018. In that time, it generated countless memorable quotes, and here are just 115 of our favorites!

    New Girl Quotes

    1. “Schmidt happens.” – Schmidt
    2. “Can I get an alcohol?” – Nick
    3. Schmidt: “No sig oths.” – Cece
    4. “I’m using my bride card!” – Cece
    5. “I take dumps standing up!” – Coach
    6. “Nipple play-off-limits.” – Jess Day
    7. “Relationships are prisons.” – Coach
    8. “I need everyone to shut up.” – Coach
    9. “You wanna put money on this?” – Cece
    10. “I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.” – Schmidt
    11. “Your asses belong to me now.” – Coach
    12. “Pink wine makes me slutty.” – Jess Day
    13. “My funeral is my time to shine!” – Nick
    14. “I refuse to pay for the weefee.” – Nick
    15. “Those are pickles in progress.” – Winston
    16. “I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!” – Schmidt
    17. “Can’t spell sex without the ‘ex.’” – Coach
    18. “Please don’t make me laugh at you.” – Cece
    19. “He’s a total Matthau. He gets you.” – Cece
    20. “I was sabotaged by my baby box.” – Jess Day
    21. “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.” – Schmidt
    22. “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.” – Nick
    23. Winston: “They call me Prank Sinatra!” – Winston
    24. “Blast from the past, how’s that ass?” – Jess Day
    25. “Can I interest you in some white noise?” – Winston
    26. “Keep running or I will murder your family!” – Coach
    27. “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?” – Schmidt
    28. “Watch your front, because we’ve got your back!” – Cece
    29. Schmidt: “You like me? You like my personality?” – Cece
    30. “I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead.” – Jess Day
    31. “I don’t dance! I’m from that town in ‘Footloose.’” – Nick
    32. “If anything’s cute about Winston, it’s his yawn.” – Coach
    33. “I’ve made out with half of the guys in this room.” – Cece
    34. “Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.” – Cece
    35. “I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!” – Jess Day
    36. “I feel like a fat man is sitting on my uterus!” – Jess Day
    37. “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?” – Coach
    38. Jess: “I had the best sex of my life last night.” – Jess Day
    39. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” – Nick
    40. “You’re drinking on a Tuesday, and you are a teacher.” – Cece
    41. “Nick Miller. Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.” – Nick
    42. “I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.” – Schmidt
    43. “I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.” – Jess Day
    44. “That’s what’s up, that’s what’s up. No doubt. Diggity.” – Coach
    45. “The very fact that socks exist is proof shoes don’t work.” – Cece
    46. “I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!” – Nick
    47. “Lifehack: Read your phone on the toilet like everybody else.” – Coach
    48. “Picking lint off a man’s sleeve is the most intimate gesture.” – Cece
    49. “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.” – Nick
    50. “I wanna choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head.” – Coach
    51. “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this — prison?” – Schmidt
    52. “If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl.” – Schmidt
    53. “I hope you like feminist rants, because that’s kind of my thing.” – Jess Day
    54. “I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.’” – Coach
    55. “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.” – Nick
    56. “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?” – Winston
    57. “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.” – Nick
    58. “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” – Nick
    59. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” – Nick
    60. “You could have an emotional connection to a shoe on the side of the road.” – Cece
    61. “Everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants.” – Jess Day
    62. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!” – Nick
    63. “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.” – Schmidt
    64. “We’re gonna play True American because I want to. I’m using my bride card!” – Cece
    65. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.” – Schmidt
    66. “I used to just think if I was proposed to, I would notice it was happening.” – Cece
    67. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.” – Nick
    68. “I want to kill you because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!” – Nick
    69. “I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like this much responsibility.” – Nick
    70. “Lying makes me sweat. That’s why I can’t play poker or talk to pregnant women.” – Nick
    71. “I’m 30 years old, and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one.” – Nick
    72. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.” – Nick
    73. “I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry.” – Jess Day
    74. “I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.” – Jess Day
    75. “The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.” – Schmidt
    76. “Good luck with these two, because if they get really hungry, then all bets are off.” – Cece
    77. “Oh, no. I’m a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What’s gonna happen?” – Cece
    78. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.” – Nick
    79. “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.” – Nick
    80. Winston: “That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.” – Winston
    81. “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!” – Winston
    82. “You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower; this isn’t some fancy hotel!” – Nick
    83. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.” – Schmidt
    84. “Schmidt fired me, and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought, and it was $19!” – Nick
    85. “‘Eye of the Tiger’ is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War!” – Winston
    86. “Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn’t mean you can’t like sake baths.” – Cece
    87. “If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!” – Schmidt
    88. “Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me. I was the total candy striping package.” – Schmidt
    89. “I’m the squirrel and you’re my nut. Winter is coming, and I’m gonna store you in my cheek girl.” – Schmidt
    90. “I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.” – Jess Day
    91. “Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.” – Schmidt
    92. “I’m pretty sure they call her ‘The Fish’ because she’s tough but fair, like a lot of fish I’ve met.” – Winston
    93. “Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!” – Schmidt
    94. “I’ll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don’t like it.” – Jess Day
    95. “I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?” – Jess Day
    96. “I don’t deal with exes, they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon!” – Nick
    97. “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.” – Schmidt
    98. “I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,’ I should come over, right?” – Cece
    99. “You know what would be nice? A wedding invitation engraved on a plate. What a magical wedding that would be.” – Winston
    100. “Well, Nick, I’m out of tears. Plumb out. Now, all that’s left is just yellowish goo. That’s right, Nick, goo.” – Schmidt
    101. “There are plenty of things to be down about. The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good.” – Schmidt
    102. “There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.” – Winston
    103. “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’” – Nick
    104. Jess: “Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.” Winston: “You know what else they bred in a lab? Pugs.” – Winston
    105. “She’s got that giant heart that’s part compass and part flashlight, and she’s just the greatest person I have ever met.” – Nick
    106. “My boyfriend doesn’t believe in banks. It’s early in the relationship. I’m still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?” – Jess Day
    107. “If any of you cross me, I’m gonna kick the testicles clean off your body. Clean off. You’ll look like Ken dolls down there!” – Jess Day
    108. “Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.” – Jess Day
    109. “I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, but I witnessed the emancipation of one Black guy tonight… from a terrible relationship.” – Schmidt
    110. “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.” – Jess Day
    111. “Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.’” – Jess Day
    112. “‘Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss.’ Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed ‘body’ to ‘meat bar.’” – Jess Day
    113. “You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.” – Jess Day
    114. “I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack and I haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my internet history. I wasn’t building a bomb, I was just curious.” – Nick
    115. “You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It’s the least important part of a woman’s body! Unless you’re a baby. Are you guys babies?” – Jess Day
    116. “My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba because he was really hot, and I still actually find him hot.” – Jess Day
    117. “Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.” – Nick
    118. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you’d like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. Style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea.” – Cece
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    Wrapping Up

    We hope you enjoyed our list of 118 New Girl quotes! Whether you’re a fan of Nick, Schmidt, Winston, or Cece, there are plenty of great moments from the show to enjoy. So grab your friends and go watch an episode – laughter is sure to follow!

    For more great quotes from TV shows and movies, check out our other posts!

    Happy quoting!

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    Audrey Baker

      I’m Audrey, a writer at heart that loves collecting quotes about life, love and everything in between. I strive to find creative and unique quotes that offer great value. I enjoy finding new ways to use these quotes and sharing these creations with others. Thanks for stopping by!

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      I’m Audrey, a writer at heart that loves collecting quotes about life, love and everything in between. I strive to find creative and unique quotes that offer great value. I enjoy finding new ways to use these quotes and sharing these creations with others. Thanks for stopping by!

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