If you’re a fan of New Girl, then you know that the show is full of hilarious quotes. In fact, there are so many great quotes from the show that we decided to put together a list of 118 of our favorites! Whether you’re a fan of Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston, or Cece, there’s something for everyone in this list. So without further ado, here are our favorite New Girl quotes!
About New Girl
New Girl is an American television sitcom that aired on Fox from 2011 to 2018. The show was created by Elizabeth Meriwether and follows the lives of a group of friends living in Los Angeles, with the main focus on Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), a quirky, offbeat young woman who moves in with three single men after her boyfriend breaks up with her.
These three single guys: Nick, a law school dropout and bartender; Schmidt, a professional and womanizer; and Winston, an aspiring professional basketball player who has just returned from playing overseas. They all help Jess navigate her new life in the city, while she helps them with their own personal and professional issues.
Throughout the series, the characters deal with a variety of comedic situations, such as dating, career struggles, and personal growth. Jess and Nick, in particular, develop a close friendship that eventually turns into a romantic relationship. Schmidt and Cece, one of Jess’ best friends, also have a complicated on-and-off again relationship. Winston, meanwhile, goes through a series of comedic misadventures, often involving his love life and his attempts to make it as a professional athlete.
The show was well-received by critics and audiences alike, and ran for seven seasons before ending in 2018. In that time, it generated countless memorable quotes, and here are just 115 of our favorites!
New Girl Quotes
- “Schmidt happens.” – Schmidt
- “Can I get an alcohol?” – Nick
- Schmidt: “No sig oths.” – Cece
- “I’m using my bride card!” – Cece
- “I take dumps standing up!” – Coach
- “Nipple play-off-limits.” – Jess Day
- “Relationships are prisons.” – Coach
- “I need everyone to shut up.” – Coach
- “You wanna put money on this?” – Cece
- “I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.” – Schmidt
- “Your asses belong to me now.” – Coach
- “Pink wine makes me slutty.” – Jess Day
- “My funeral is my time to shine!” – Nick
- “I refuse to pay for the weefee.” – Nick
- “Those are pickles in progress.” – Winston
- “I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!” – Schmidt
- “Can’t spell sex without the ‘ex.’” – Coach
- “Please don’t make me laugh at you.” – Cece
- “He’s a total Matthau. He gets you.” – Cece
- “I was sabotaged by my baby box.” – Jess Day
- “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.” – Schmidt
- “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.” – Nick
- Winston: “They call me Prank Sinatra!” – Winston
- “Blast from the past, how’s that ass?” – Jess Day
- “Can I interest you in some white noise?” – Winston
- “Keep running or I will murder your family!” – Coach
- “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?” – Schmidt
- “Watch your front, because we’ve got your back!” – Cece
- Schmidt: “You like me? You like my personality?” – Cece
- “I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead.” – Jess Day
- “I don’t dance! I’m from that town in ‘Footloose.’” – Nick
- “If anything’s cute about Winston, it’s his yawn.” – Coach
- “I’ve made out with half of the guys in this room.” – Cece
- “Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.” – Cece
- “I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!” – Jess Day
- “I feel like a fat man is sitting on my uterus!” – Jess Day
- “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?” – Coach
- Jess: “I had the best sex of my life last night.” – Jess Day
- “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” – Nick
- “You’re drinking on a Tuesday, and you are a teacher.” – Cece
- “Nick Miller. Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.” – Nick
- “I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.” – Schmidt
- “I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.” – Jess Day
- “That’s what’s up, that’s what’s up. No doubt. Diggity.” – Coach
- “The very fact that socks exist is proof shoes don’t work.” – Cece
- “I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!” – Nick
- “Lifehack: Read your phone on the toilet like everybody else.” – Coach
- “Picking lint off a man’s sleeve is the most intimate gesture.” – Cece
- “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.” – Nick
- “I wanna choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head.” – Coach
- “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this — prison?” – Schmidt
- “If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl.” – Schmidt
- “I hope you like feminist rants, because that’s kind of my thing.” – Jess Day
- “I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.’” – Coach
- “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.” – Nick
- “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?” – Winston
- “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.” – Nick
- “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.” – Nick
- “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” – Nick
- “You could have an emotional connection to a shoe on the side of the road.” – Cece
- “Everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants.” – Jess Day
- “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!” – Nick
- “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.” – Schmidt
- “We’re gonna play True American because I want to. I’m using my bride card!” – Cece
- “If you need me, I’ll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.” – Schmidt
- “I used to just think if I was proposed to, I would notice it was happening.” – Cece
- “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.” – Nick
- “I want to kill you because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!” – Nick
- “I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like this much responsibility.” – Nick
- “Lying makes me sweat. That’s why I can’t play poker or talk to pregnant women.” – Nick
- “I’m 30 years old, and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one.” – Nick
- “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.” – Nick
- “I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry.” – Jess Day
- “I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.” – Jess Day
- “The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.” – Schmidt
- “Good luck with these two, because if they get really hungry, then all bets are off.” – Cece
- “Oh, no. I’m a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What’s gonna happen?” – Cece
- “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.” – Nick
- “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.” – Nick
- Winston: “That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.” – Winston
- “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!” – Winston
- “You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower; this isn’t some fancy hotel!” – Nick
- “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.” – Schmidt
- “Schmidt fired me, and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought, and it was $19!” – Nick
- “‘Eye of the Tiger’ is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War!” – Winston
- “Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn’t mean you can’t like sake baths.” – Cece
- “If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!” – Schmidt
- “Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me. I was the total candy striping package.” – Schmidt
- “I’m the squirrel and you’re my nut. Winter is coming, and I’m gonna store you in my cheek girl.” – Schmidt
- “I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.” – Jess Day
- “Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.” – Schmidt
- “I’m pretty sure they call her ‘The Fish’ because she’s tough but fair, like a lot of fish I’ve met.” – Winston
- “Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!” – Schmidt
- “I’ll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don’t like it.” – Jess Day
- “I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?” – Jess Day
- “I don’t deal with exes, they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon!” – Nick
- “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.” – Schmidt
- “I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,’ I should come over, right?” – Cece
- “You know what would be nice? A wedding invitation engraved on a plate. What a magical wedding that would be.” – Winston
- “Well, Nick, I’m out of tears. Plumb out. Now, all that’s left is just yellowish goo. That’s right, Nick, goo.” – Schmidt
- “There are plenty of things to be down about. The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good.” – Schmidt
- “There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.” – Winston
- “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’” – Nick
- Jess: “Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.” Winston: “You know what else they bred in a lab? Pugs.” – Winston
- “She’s got that giant heart that’s part compass and part flashlight, and she’s just the greatest person I have ever met.” – Nick
- “My boyfriend doesn’t believe in banks. It’s early in the relationship. I’m still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?” – Jess Day
- “If any of you cross me, I’m gonna kick the testicles clean off your body. Clean off. You’ll look like Ken dolls down there!” – Jess Day
- “Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.” – Jess Day
- “I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, but I witnessed the emancipation of one Black guy tonight… from a terrible relationship.” – Schmidt
- “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.” – Jess Day
- “Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.’” – Jess Day
- “‘Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss.’ Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed ‘body’ to ‘meat bar.’” – Jess Day
- “You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.” – Jess Day
- “I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack and I haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my internet history. I wasn’t building a bomb, I was just curious.” – Nick
- “You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It’s the least important part of a woman’s body! Unless you’re a baby. Are you guys babies?” – Jess Day
- “My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba because he was really hot, and I still actually find him hot.” – Jess Day
- “Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.” – Nick
- “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you’d like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. Style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea.” – Cece
Wrapping Up
We hope you enjoyed our list of 118 New Girl quotes! Whether you’re a fan of Nick, Schmidt, Winston, or Cece, there are plenty of great moments from the show to enjoy. So grab your friends and go watch an episode – laughter is sure to follow!
For more great quotes from TV shows and movies, check out our other posts!
Happy quoting!
